By Rawan Albina (@RawanAlbina)
As a personal development coach I meet a lot of people. What strikes me the most is that 80% of them are longing to find someone they can have a deep conversation with; someone they can share their interests and viewpoints without being judged. People in general are tired of living on the surface and having superficial conversations out of politeness or courtesy. They long to break out of the mold that society has shaped for them.
As little children, we are expected to be who others want us to be and to behave in a certain way. Of course boundaries are very important but it becomes dangerous when these boundaries stop us from blossoming into who we are meant to become. Growing up, in order to please and belong, we give up a part of who we are and we end up conforming and adapting.
Some of us have superficial conversations and pep talk because we want to avoid going into deeper levels. We probably do not trust people too quickly or we do not want to give too much away. Or since everyone seems to be chit chatting, let us not sound too weird by being the “serious” and “boring” ones. Some others just like small talk and do not seem to mind it. There are also those who refuse to have any conversation unless it is deep enough according to their standards.
But what do I really mean by deep conversation? Here is my definition:
A deep conversation is one that goes beyond the superficial and ordinary into the next level. Imagine a conversation unfolding one layer at a time just like peeling an onion. There are essential elements to an interesting deep conversation; one that you would be enjoying so much that you cannot get enough of. Some of these elements are: connection, curiosity, values, passions, common interests, culture, cultivation, knowledge, listening, openness, tolerance and acceptance.
To build a deep conversation, you need to feel a connection with the person in front of you, get curious about who they are, how they think, understand the way they view the world, and get to know the interests & passions you have in common. You cannot establish a deep conversation if you have not got those established.
The person’s culture, intellectual level and knowledge are also essential in determining the direction the conversation will take.
Having deep conversations might sound like a lot of hard work but it really is not. Once you have that connection the conversation simply flows. Have you noticed how it is so much easier to have a meaningful conversation with someone you have known for years? Someone you grew up with maybe? That is because you do not have to keep up pretenses with them. They are your friends and may know you better than you know yourself.
Many people ask me but where can I find like-minded people? There are a lot of events and meet-up groups that bring people together around similar interests. These could be on networking, entertainment, art, hobbies or education and the list goes on.
Finally you cannot have a deep meaningful conversation with anyone if you believe you are the only person with something of value to say. You need to listen twice as much as you talk; having two ears and one mouth is no coincidence. Be open to the other’s point of view and stand in a place of tolerance and acceptance. If the person in front of you feels that you are judging them or criticizing them, you may lose that connection immediately.
The key is not to wait for someone to approach you in order to have a meaningful conversation but to go out there and seek them yourself. The next deep conversation you can have with someone might be closer than you think!
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Rawan Albina is a Dubai-based professional coach. You can learn more about her and her work by:
– Visiting her website www.leaplifecoach.com
– Follow her on Twitter @RawanAlbina
– Or join her Facebook Fan Page “Life on a Treadmill”
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Nice Article. many People seldom Listen
It would be great. Listen more, Talk Less. Thats the reason, we have 2 ears and one mouth.
-I would say an article on "smart listening", meaning one that gives tips on how to take the other person's words a step further so we can really understand what's behind them. In other words, be equipped with smart listening techniques that give us an edge on how to bring out the most from the words being said.
-"Finally you cannot have a deep meaningful conversation with anyone if you believe you are the only person with something of value to say" : Very true; yet very dangerous. Would be interesting to have an article on that..It is one of the things we all know is wrong; yet we can't deny that we all tend to fall into sometimes (different degrees). Some not "too obvious" examples that prove how we all tend to do that, with a proof on how dangerous this is would be a great wake up call.
Keep it Up!