By Fatma Bujsaim (@FatmaBujsaim)
My column turns one year-old this month and since it focuses on undergrad issues, I thought long and hard of the one issue or topic that was always popping up in the past four years (Yes, this is my senior year). The topic is: marriage.
Many college girls around me are obsessed with the idea of getting married and almost half that number of girls does not actually want to. I only say this out of observation and after asking many questions and getting involved in many discussions.
I remember when I was in school I was anti-marriage; I planned to be single all my life and live to fulfill my dreams alone with no one to stop me or even share them with me. Selfish, I know, but for a teenager it made a lot of sense.
In university, I saw my friends getting married one after the other. I started having mixed feelings towards the issue. Is it a good idea? Isn’t it a lifetime commitment? And why would a girl want to be tied down at such an early age?
Some theories came up in my mind that could and could not be true. Some just want a man in their lives, some can not handle the pressure of seeing people around them getting married, and some just want the thrill of getting married.
Fatma M., a business student in Zayed University, says she has no problem in getting married when she is still an undergraduate student; in fact, she wants to. Her reason is: “I am young, and I want to start my life and my own family at a young age when I have the patience and energy for it.”
I also wanted to know why some girls were against marriage; were their reasons like mine when I was younger?
Amna A.’s answer to being married during her studies was a “never.” “I wont be able to focus on my studies. I mean, I am not married yet and I am already having trouble balancing between spending time with my family and friends and university.”
Shamma M. agrees with Amna, “When I am at university, marriage is the last thing on my mind because personally, I can not balance a household and a degree.”
Both Amna and Shamma were asked if they would consider marriage after university. Amna responded by saying: Not immediately after graduation; I am still young and if I get married, it is forever. I will be in the “golden cage”.
Shamma said: I am career driven and I have this image that marriage will set me back. It is going to be either a career or marriage since I cannot multitask. Personally, I would rather have a career.
Their answers made a lot of sense but I had to disagree. There is a saying in Arabic “who wants to pray will not miss the prayer”, and if someone wants to get married and have a career, they can do it.
I do not think girls should get married at a very young age but I also do not think they should be opposing the idea of marriage. Some girls are mature enough to get married during their university education and are capable of handling the responsibilities while others understand their own abilities and limits and decide to keep marriage aside and prioritize their own education/career.
Sail eMagazine’s 20th Issue – November 2011
Here we start – Art of Living 101 – Beyond Inspiration
Blunders of a Wannabe Entrepreneur – Just Another Undergrad – Society of Tomorrow
Too Blunt for Words – To The Point – Words, Observations, and Ramblings
Sign up to Sail Newsletter
Never miss another article!
Thank you for subscribing.
Something went wrong.
Hi Fatma,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this topic but I hold an opinion which is against those opinions comparing degrees/studies with marriage. When I hear a lady says things like: "marriage is the last thing on my mind because personally, I can not balance a household and a degree." we usually have though decision when both options are comparable in a way or another, but sadly most girls comparing a (good-to-have) with (must-to-have) degrees, studies they are things that are good to have they r never a must to have but a husband is must to have if you want to be ever called a mother.
What's the biggest achievement one can have by studying!? Bachelor, Masters, PhD…etc then what!? what you achieved!? discovered earth is flat! earth is not moving? these achievements if you ask me is nothing comparable to delivering a baby and raising him to become a man!
I will go one step deeper commenting on such comments: "Not immediately after graduation; I am still young and if I get married, it is forever. I will be in the “golden cage”
what's the maximum reward one can get from studies and such simple matters!? certificates, job opportunities, being famous….etc what else!? however having a husband we have one of the greatest and most important ways guiding to "Heaven" we are having a short life, we should use the best thing that would help us in the second life, for those who experienced using a loved one at young age would understand what I mean.
A Lady by having a husband and obeying him well if it was not a sin she opened the gate to heaven! the husband is one of the doors of heaven pushing that opportunity away is something might be regrettable.
I have lots of things to say but I will stop here.
Thanks again Fatma for sharing such a topic
Note: The above is just a personal opinion, don't take it personal if you found my opinion is conflicting with you ladies.
What you’re basically saying is that women should give up trying to make a difference in their community and just sit bearing babies at home since “nothing is comparable to delivering a baby and raising him to become a man”. So raising women is also out of the question?
Marriage is also not a commitment that is set on stone. What if they get a divorce or she becomes widowed? She won’t have a certificate to support herself. Women can’t always be 100% blindly dependent on the man. We don’t live in an unrealistic perfect world where people live perfect lives of marriage, money, social status, and fame. No one who just sits back will get everything handed to them either.
What is meant about the “golden cage” is that when a women wants to have children and raise them she would want to do it right and without diverting her attention therefore it’ll be hard to focus on her studies/job at the same time. That just shows signs of perfectionism and nothing is to be done half-heartedly.
Everybody wants to put his or her mark on the map of history. You can’t stop anybody from dreaming big and suppress them from making a difference because you believe that making men is the only way the world can move forward.
AbdulAziz, I respect your opinion. But I think that in our modern times, a woman's education/certificate (whether it was bachelors or masters) is a must-have, not a good-to-have. Especially the bachelors degree.
She might not solve the worlds problems and issues, but she will have the necessary/required knowledge that will help her in her own field.
I never said that, my message is pretty clear but if you still didn't get what I mean I will try to say it another way. Getting certificates and titles is nice but in my [humble] opinion it shouldn't be the priority for the woman. I am not calling woman should be ignorant! (Some might assume that -_- ) I am saying for a woman the most important and the greatest achievement is being a good wife and mother (After all this is one of the main purposes of her existence according to our religion).
Also when I said to raise a man (I didn't mean she should only raise men, no sane man thinks that) it's just an example that covers both (This is one of the Quranic ways)
I never stopped from dreaming big or things like that, but a woman who puts the goal of being a mother her first priority is actually dreaming big!!! (that's why I said my previous post was opinion) the problem is that we take our life for granted! but let me give you example to know which is more important (logically not emotionally)
Suppose only 1 man left and 1 woman. What is better? the woman aim to be a good wife and mother, or aim to change the environment around her, get degrees…etc (This example is aiming for one message)
Another example
Suppose someone told you the way to get to your dream town you have two routes, one is straight forward while the others is to climb mountains and go through a maze to reach your destination. Which is better!? (This example aiming for another message)
I hope you understood what I am trying to say.
When I said what I said I don't necessarily mean women only, it applies for men as well :)
Why would a man want to study and get to have a degree and when it comes to women she should just think about marriage?
Why do people think in such a narrow minded way!!
I don't understand why does education come as ''worthless'' when it comes to women.
Education and a having a degree gives someone a prestige. A level of accomplishment. Life isn't about marriage only. Marriage is a HUGE part of it and yes it is one of the most important aspects of life. And I do think no woman should push aside the opportunity of getting married but we too have ambitions and we have our dreams too. We wanna get to learn new things, accomplish things, we want to make a different in the world we live in.
Don't get me wrong, but by marriage half of the religion is completeled. And we all know that and are more than happy to get married. But there are things that come before marriage and are essential for a successful life.
Marriage is not an eas thing, one must be completely prepared for it and comitted to it. Not everyone can get married and work at the same time. To be honest, personally I completely refuse the idea of getting married while being an undergraduate. Although I really want to get married and start my own family I am more than sure that I won't be able to have a successful marriage and a happy life doing both simulatnously.
There are different point of views that need to be taken into account before judging the situation and the opinions of others.
Believe me people you can balance well, please read this great advice from great popular scholar we all heard of >>>
http://www.islamqa.com/ar/ref/117072
Well I still wish all my sisters in UAE and all around the world to be successful in their studies and marriage! All I can do is to pray for them
Ameen, to being successful in our marriages.
The comments are really interesting, but I think there should be a balance between the two. Being an undergraduate myself, i wish to study because I want to increase my knowledge of the world around me and the people in it. I think without educated women, we will bring up ignorant children because a childs first teacher is the mother. There is a time for everything, and there does come a time when I think women should get married. Educate yourself by all means, but don't delay the prospect of marriage. I guess at the end of the day everything is decreed, and when your time for marriage come – it will happen :) (I hope not to offend anyone with my comment, forgive me if I do :(
Thank you for sharing your opinion; it wasn't offending at all.
I think that people can find middle ground and can balance both if they had the power to do so. And this is why I think I admire Amna A. for admitting that she understands her own abilities and will not be able to balance between her education and marriage.
Thank you all for your comments; I'm so glad you shared your thoughts and points of view.
The diversity of the opinions are very interesting.
I think without educated women, we will bring up ignorant children because a childs first teacher is the mother.
A good point but not necessarily always true. To raise good children a woman should be loving, caring, and intelligent and one does not need degrees to be that!
There are many uneducated Emirati women who raised intelligent, ambitious children that studied well at school and later got degrees and made good career. And another example is a woman with many degrees, self-observed, who gives more time and effort to her work and friends but who neglects her children.
Education is important for a woman, but it should not be a must-have, IMHO. Some women are more talented and ambitious than others. Those who want to study, should to it. But be careful not to postpone marrying for too long… But if a woman plans to peruse many degrees and to work, then she'll have to marry somewhere during that time and learn to balance the two (work and family), otherwise being lonely but successful at work and with many certificates won't bring happiness to an average woman.
My boyfriend is back after 2 years of breakup, all thanks to dr.mac @yahoo .com…………………………………….