Do People Change?

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Article in brief: Mustafa Abbas asks the one question that everyone would like the answer to: Do People Change?

Artwork by Dana AlAttar (@DanaAlAttar)
Artwork by Dana AlAttar (@DanaAlAttar)

Do people change? This is a question that baffles many of us. And in most cases, each person has his or her own view on the subject.

This is simply my perspective.

When bad things happen to us, we often blame it on the event or the chain of events to justify the wrong that we are doing, or the person we have become. This, actually, is known as “secondary gain”. Which basically means, that yes, we were wronged, but are also using it to our advantage. This is the worst kind of forgiveness. Where the one who was wronged, might have forgiven but not forgotten. Two wrongs indeed don’t make a right.

Bad things happen to everyone, no exceptions. And human beings in most cases don’t act, but react.

So, when this bad thing happened, how did you react? Did you become stronger? Did you weaken? Did you remain grateful because it could have been worse? Or did you say to hell with everyone?

Psychology and human nature are both passions of mine. And from what I have seen, from my personal observations, I have come to the conclusion that nobody can take on life. No one can say “life was bad to me, so I’ll retaliate” and get away with it. Life was there long before each and every one of us, and it’s grown stronger, wiser, and more powerful with time.

I like to call it fear of God. Others might call it something else.

I’ve also learnt that we can never control how people act, but we can control how we react. And if we are in control of our reactions, we are in control of the situation. Reacting determines who we are. Seldom acting.

So back to my question, do people change, or just become a more complete version of themselves?

“He’s gone through a lot in his life” is usually said to someone who has lost his way. “Her parents were bad to her”, or “He was bullied” are some other examples.

I’m not sure if these are excuses to justify their actions, or sympathetic statements. I personally know of people who have been attacked physically and emotionally, lost their parents at a young age, and have come out stronger and better. At times, even calmer. There hasn’t been a moment where anyone I know personally has come to me and claimed these people are “weird” or “defensive”. On the contrary, I’ve only heard praises. Not said out of pity, because the ones paying the compliment don’t know the history. Sure, people like them might be exceptions. I suppose there is a reason we say “quality versus quantity”.

Many traits are genetic, and many are passed on and taught. Beliefs, morals, values, cultural conditioning, etc. All these things play a big part in who we become. But in my opinion, when it comes to attitude, it’s each person for themselves. We work on our attitude individually. It starts minimally, and grows according to where we want to go and who we want to become.

Another thing people seem to underestimate or misunderstand from what I’ve seen is who our partner is. By partner I mean spouse, lover, or even best friend sometimes. Two partners after a certain period of time will start to behave alike, speak alike, and possibly even think alike. They are not necessarily changing, but as I said becoming the person they are supposed to be, or perhaps evolving. But what if one partner is dominating and continues acting in a way that makes the other partner bitter and loses a taste for life?

Then what? Well, it goes back to what we discussed earlier, human beings in most cases don’t act, but react. Who our partner is plays a big part in who we become, as well as how we feel, treat people, and look at life. So choose wisely.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, someone I admire deeply, said: “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change you is the greatest accomplishment.” Or dare I ask… a minimal requirement?

Moose Out.

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4 Comments

  • In my opinion, people do change. i like how you stressed on the fact that we dont act, but merely react to the situations that happen to us. That said though, it then becomes a learning lesson to some of us, and therefore teach us to eventually act differently in the long run.
    I am blessed with parents who taught me so much and molded me into the woman i am today. Sometimes i observe how people act in the basic ways and realise they simply dont have manners. People should reflect within themselves and analyse their behaviours, thoughts and strategies every now and then. Change is important. So are mistakes. let that guide to a become a better version of yourself.
    Thanks for bringing this up moose :)

  • Do people change?
    A short answer would be definitely yes.
    The only constant in nature is change.
    No, not nature, Earth. The Universe itself is in a constant change. We are part of the Universe. We do change.
    We change physically, we age, and that's a 'no way out'. Do we mature?
    We change mentally.
    How many of us caught themselves saying "Things were different before"?
    Note, I'm not specifying better, or worst- but that will come up a tad later.
    We change friends, acquaintances, schools, colleges, societies, workplaces.. we change countries and sometime we do change lives.
    Bad Things happen to everyone, you said. Let me rephrase it: things happen to everyone.
    Bad or good, that's again a different story
    Things happen to everyone. We call it experience.
    And when they do, we 'gain experience, we acquire knowledge'
    It's what we do of it that really matters.
    "We don't act, we react."
    Yes in a way.
    But how many of us don't even react?
    How many would rather stay in their comfort zone, and would not embrace change?
    How many would stay in their "bubble", having the same beliefs, refusing to question the status quo.
    But how many accept the change, deal with it, learn from it and evolve?
    This is , in my opinion, what makes the difference. This what makes us unique, and diverse.

    How many times we fell in love, had a broken heart, fell in love again, and had another broken heart experience?
    And still, we do love, passionately. Every. Single. Time.

    Change is the drive, love is the fuel.
    Change is not bad.
    Change is not good.
    Change is simply Change.

    And to finish on a similar note from the same Ralph Waldo Emerson too : "All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better."

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