Co-authored by: Alia Al Hazami and Omar Al Owais
Do people hide their mental illness to improve their marriage prospects? Do they deny it even to themselves for the same purpose?
Ahmed and Hamda met at their university during one of their classes in their senior year. Soon after their graduation, Ahmed proposed to Hamda. Trusting the good she saw in Ahmed during their classes, and how positive everyone talked about him, Hamda said yes. Their engagement period passed by smoothly, but their happiness was soon clouded by thunderstorms of misery and despair. From as early as their honeymoon, Hamda was easily irritated by Ahmed. The pattern she observed in his behavior was quite similar to the cases of anxiety she had to analyze for her psychology minor back in college. She was convinced that her husband suffered from an anxiety disorder. Her husband, however, didn’t have the slightest clue.
When Ahmed’s mind wandered off to ways in which their honeymoon could go wrong, she reassured him that their travel agent had everything confirmed and taken care of. When Ahmed withdrew himself and grew wary in crowds, she held his hand and walked him through. When Ahmed fainted from his panic attack when their car’s tire got punctured on the highway, Hamda knew she had too much on her plate and that her husband needed professional help. However, Ahmed didn’t believe in her diagnosis and neither did his family. When faced with such situations, he was always told he was over-exaggerating, over-complicating things and that he should snap out of it. Ahmed is a victim of a society that was ignorant about his condition and stigmatized its possibility, and through her marriage to him, Hamda too was stigmatized by association and for pointing out his potential condition.
Hamda wanted to be a supportive wife, but she was afraid of spending her life trying to convince Ahmed that he needed help. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem and, sadly, Ahmed refused to. After several attempts to help him, she accepted that she had to get a divorce. Divorce due to a spouse suffering from a mental issue is sadly common. A study by the University of Groningen reported that in 2011 a sample of 18 mental disorders increased the possibility of divorce, causing a 20%-80% increase in divorce rate more than the mentally healthy couples[i].
Being a psychology student, Hamda knew that divorce will be a complicated task. She was worried that asking for a divorce would hurt Ahmed and lead him to self-harm or having a serious anxiety attack. Hamda had noticed that their marriage had caused increased stress on Ahmed, therefore, she thought that a divorce could potentially relieve her husband from the stress marriage brought upon him. However, she knew that it was not her place to make that assumption.
Hamda is only one among many women and men who get married to people with mental disorders without realizing it. The Arab society does its utmost to cover up mental illnesses and deny their existence. Many are not even aware that they have a mental illness to begin with.
In a society where marriage is the biggest priority, people often rush into it to fulfill the society’s expectations without taking into consideration how that can impact their future. Though mental health awareness is increasing, our medical field is yet to catch up with people’s shifting mentalities. People who are at the age of marriage should be made aware of the magnitude and the commitment that comes with it. The medical field could be part of the solution, one possible suggestion is having mental health screenings as part of the medical marriage screenings that hopeful couples must take before getting legally married. Highlighting mental disorders is still a challenge new to our region, however, we must start somewhere as it impacts the livelihood of many.
This article has been written as part of The UAE Rosalynn Carter Fellowship for Mental Health Journalism sponsored by Al Jalila Foundation.
P.S. If you’re facing any sort of mental health issue problems, please refer to this post for suggestions on how to get help.
[i] https://www.rug.nl/research/portal/publications/pub(64a3317e-a674-4f33-bc1a-155ed12e5231).html!null
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