Unpleasant Insinuations

Can insinuations be malicious? and what kind of effect do they leave on the receivers and what do they imply about the aggressors?

“How’s Laila? I haven’t heard from her in a while?” I inquired over a catch-up coffee.

“Oh gosh I’m no longer in touch with her,” replied Amina.  “I had to remove her from my life because her presence was too toxic to my wellbeing.”

She halted, as if doubtful if she should enclose anymore.  Comforted by my bewildered expression, she sighed and continued:

“I could no longer handle her negative effect on me. At first, she would drop words like (yal thakiyah – oh smart one) implying that I’m stupid.”

“But Amina, did she criticize you?” I wondered.

“I wish!” she replied. “Criticizing me would have been much better than the malicious hints that were undermining my confidence indirectly. She would, for example, insinuate that men find me old and boring by referring to my ‘Hayat al Fahad actress style.‘  Or she’d insinuate about my prospects in front of others by saying: ‘I wonder which man would even consider marrying (ba’ath elnaas) –someone).  She always directed insults at ‘SOMEONE’.  By the time my mind connected the dots that I was that ‘SOMEONE’, I felt helpless.  The anxiety I experienced lingered within me and wreaked emotional havoc.  However, friends are supposed to make you feel better, so I chose to eliminate this so-called friend from my life.”

I left that day heavy yet intrigued that Amina ended a long-term relationship because of an unfavorable communication style.

Insinuation, in Arabic is: naghza نغزة, which means: an indirect form of communication. Insinuations are harmless if they are polite and motivated by tact. For example, a wife can insinuate for a specific anniversary gift by repeatedly mentioning the item’s beauty.  However, “unpleasant insinuations are those that involve the speaker’s malicious pleasure over the negative effect the message will have on the interlocutor” ⁽¹⁾.

I spoke to my circle about unpleasant insinuations and realized that it is more common than I initially thought. They all had interesting stories to share, the funniest being a girl who forgot to invite another to her wedding.  Three years onwards and she still gets hints here and there about the true intentions behind the forgetfulness. This made me think of the speakers: do they not realize that the derogatory effects of their statements make them appear sly and spiteful?

Marcella Papi analyzed insinuators in depth in her paper ‘The Pragmatics of Insinuation’.  She noted that there ‘are varying degrees of nastiness embodied in insinuations’⁽¹⁾.  She went on to explain that the insinuator resorts to this communication style because they don’t want the insults to be attributed to them.   However, what about the victims of insinuations? How can one deal with these bullies?

One must understand that malicious insinuators speak from a place of insecurity and this behavior empowers them.  Hence, it would be wise not to take their hints personally.  Confrontation and taking a stand is one solution, but in my humble opinion, such individuals have too many issues that it may not be worth one’s time. This is why I recommend blocking such negative people.

At the end of the day, we are social beings who cannot live in isolation.  But if having toxic people in our circle will make us feel isolated then we are better off eliminating them.

Are there insinuators within your circle who are affecting your wellbeing? And what do you intend to do about it?

References:

• Papi, marcella bertuccelli; THE PRAGMATICS OF INSINUATIONS; intercultural pragmatics, 2014, 11(1); 1-29.