The fear of being gasped at when you admit that you have a little hate for motherhood is real but if you feel it then you aren’t alone.
I have been a mom for 15 months now and I’m still fearful to admit that sometimes I just hate it. I sometimes despise being a mom and a feeling of resentment becomes constant for the baby.
The fear comes more from what people would think if I became more vocal about it. Being a mother is not easy. Everyone says that but then they also tell you how you grow as a person once you give birth. They will tell you how you are promoted to a beautiful role as a mother and nothing could replace that. They repeat how a child’s toothless smile could fix anything and how the sleepless nights are worth it. They will even emphasize the importance of ‘me time’ but more importantly they will tell you that your baby needs all the attention! So, as the journey starts, you are constantly torn between a battle of love and hate.
What no one tells you is that despite all the hugs, love, cuddles and kisses there is a part of your self that is lost once you become a mother. People may come bashing for this but, honestly, there are times where you wish you hadn’t planned for this. The truth is that there is simply nothing wrong with feeling fury and rage for this promotion. In fact, all these emotions introduce you to postpartum depression (PPD). It is a serious mental illness that most mothers will avoid admitting that they are suffering from. According to the American Psychological Association, 9 to 16 percent of mothers are affected by PPD [i]. It is not uncommon, but what is common is the failure to identify that a mother is suffering from postnatal depression. It is necessary to understand the importance of treating and helping a mother through this phase instead of considering her as a bad or unprepared mother.
It was not until I hit the search engine with the words ‘feel like harming my child after birth’ that I found out about PPD. Symptoms include anxiety, lack of interest in the baby, thoughts of escaping, harming the new member and even suicidal ideations [i]. It left me stunned how no one ever spoke to me about this. Depression is a taboo in my circle.
The fact that I have to feel undying love from the first moment I see my baby was not true for me. I wanted to be alone. The feeling is the same for many moms; also one of the first few symptoms of PPD. By the first weeks itself, I had encountered more emotions of sadness and irritation than love and laughter. I loathed the constant clinginess and crying; I almost wanted to hit him. Till now, I feel trapped thinking of the fact that I spend almost all day tending to him and I haven’t done a single thing for myself. The monotonous routine of feeding, changing diapers, playing and cleaning has turned me into an unbearable person for myself. It infuriates me that chores are incomplete and the day has gone by. I may be ranting but this is a pure definition of what postpartum depression feels like.
PPD sinks you into a weird state of melancholy. It takes you to another level of frustration, agitation, and aggressiveness. It makes us mothers feel trapped because of this new addition. Slowly, our mental state worsens and hits the concealed reality of motherhood: postpartum depression.
People would say we are ungrateful for such a blessing of motherhood. Indeed, it’s a blessing, it’s a blessing that doesn’t come easy to everyone and can be hard to accept as a blessing.
Surprisingly, day by day these emotions do disappear as we settle down. So, yes, I do have beautiful moments with my little one and I love it. The thing is we have created expectations about the immense love we are supposed to encounter after we have a baby. However, the exact opposite may happen and that’s okay. It is okay because this feeling, too, shall pass! Just know, you aren’t alone in this, so seek help if you face any telltale symptoms.
References:
[i] Hadi, H & Hadi, S, (2016). Uncovering the Concealed Part of Motherhood-Postpartum Depression in Mothers. Clinics in Mother and Child Health, 12(1), doi: 10.4172/2090-7214.1000169
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I applaud you for writing this! I myself am not a mother so I cannot fully understand what you have been through. However, not talking about such things certainly will not help people understand. Further, for those experiencing such emotions, it’s important for them to understand its ‘normal’ and they are not alone. I believe there are many women (and their family members) who will thank you for starting such a dialogue.
Thank you ❤️ I hope it helps many to come out, talk and seek help.
That was so enlightening to read. Choosing to share something that isn’t widely accepted is brave. You didn’t choose to feel that way, no one would. By sharing your story, every mother who has been through the same will feel less alone. It becomes less of a stigma till hopefully one dayit’s not anymore. Thank you for being so honest and sharing something so heartfelt.