We have become accustomed to comparing our problems to those of others. Yet, what if this comparative suffering approach is not as beneficial to you and those around you, as you might expect?
I’ve always found it interesting that despite the diverse misfortunes of my favorite childhood protagonists, their struggles were all distinctly different from mine. I might have a bad day in school, but at least I wasn’t in a deserted island like the boys in the Lord of the Flies, or fighting unearthly powers like Harry Potter. Real-life suffering was also in the back of my mind, reminding me that no matter what was troubling me, someone — whether its children in warzones or people living in extreme poverty — had it worse. This realization was reaffirmed during the COVID-19 pandemic. Whenever I felt the disappointment of a canceled trip or virtual graduation, I quickly dismissed my feelings because “there are people who are actually suffering”. My privilege felt like a sin I needed to atone for by never complaining about anything.
The process of comparative suffering has become the default way of thinking for many of us, but this tendency can deprive us of the simple yet powerful permission to feel. We may react to everyday dissatisfactions and disappointments by pushing them to the back of our minds, not worth dwelling on. However, emotions often linger unless we reach a resolution; just like a coffee pot heating up, neglected emotions will inevitably reach a boiling point. Numerous studies have documented the relationship between bottling up emotions and mental problems as well as with aggression and violence [1]. Suppressed emotions have also been linked to illnesses like heart disease [2]; they increase the risk of cancer and can cause premature death [3].
Ironically, comparative suffering can lead to the complete opposite effect we might have imagined when it comes to empathizing with those around us. In her podcast, researcher and professor Brené Brown argues that without the empathy we extend to ourselves, we are not equipped to emotionally support others because “shame and empathy are not compatible emotions” [4]. When we attempt to suppress emotions, the shame and guilt of our inability to fully overcome these negative feelings cloud our judgment to the point where we, with time, find it hard to think of others. We begin to think of life as a big board game with suffering points; the ones who got the most are alone who deserve our empathy. Consequently, we might become more inclined to look down on a friend’s venting about a family problem or a sick pet because, in the grand scheme of things, they did not score high enough suffering points for us to care.
Of course, allowing ourselves to be disappointed or upset does not mean that we should become fully consumed in self-pity. Unfortunately, there is no text-book formula outlining the right balance between feeling without guilt and maintaining a perspective of more significant issues around us. Still, what if we decide to acknowledge the validity of our emotions and gently give ourselves the space we need to feel them every once in a while? Without feeling that we have robbed precious empathy and mental space from those who deserve it, completely allowing ourselves to feel “bad” can be a cathartic experience. With time, we might adopt a view similar to that of Rumi, where he beautifully describes all emotions one feels as guests that must be treated honorably. Instead of shutting out the door on your emotions, you might “welcome and entertain them all” as they, in the words of Rumi, “may be clearing you out, for some new delight”.
References:
[1] https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/03/110323105202.htm
[2] https://time.com/5163576/ignoring-your-emotions-bad-for-your-health/
[4] https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-on-comparative-suffering-the-50-50-myth-and-settling-the-ball/
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