At what point is positive thinking truly serving us versus coming in the way of our personal growth, mental health, relationships, and community engagement?
The self-help industry often equates positive thinking with mental wellbeing. While seeing opportunity in adversity can build our resilience, it is only one tool among many. A single tool may cause harm if used in the wrong contexts, which is why we need to have a diverse toolbox. So when and how can positive thinking be harmful, and what alternatives are available?
Positivity becomes toxic when it completely rejects difficult emotions. Both research and clinical observations in psychology show that the more one avoids or resists feelings that are categorized as “negative,” the more harmful they become. Being unaware of having these emotions does not mean that they are not having any effect on the person.
Because of this resistance or avoidance, these emotions may manifest in a different form. They may show up as mental health struggles with triggers that are difficult to identify. Or they may express themselves in physical ways with no immediate connection to a conscious emotional experience such as high blood pressure, medically unexplainable physical pains, muscle tension, digestive issues, among other examples. In other cases, the emotions may get projected onto another person. Projection is when we subconsciously or unconsciously view a person in a way that says more about our thoughts and feelings than about how the person is. Projection is a normal part of every relationship. But avoiding or resisting emotions we deem as “negative” can make it difficult for us to assess when projection is present and when it is having unintentionally damaging effects on the relationship.
Even if one does not experience any of the scenarios mentioned above, resisting or ignoring any part of our emotional experience is a missed opportunity in our personal growth. Every emotion can help us learn about what triggers us that need healing, what things we care about, and what our needs are in a given moment. Without being curious about these, they will keep expressing themselves in ways that are unhelpful, if not destructive, and we will not be able to find more constructive ways of dealing with them.
The harm of toxic positivity is not limited to us individually. When we are not approaching the full spectrum of our inner world with curiosity, it restricts our ability to deeply listen to our loved ones when they are struggling, and we get distracted by trying to “fix” them. An ongoing theme I hear from my therapy clients is the lack of emotional support they receive even by well-intended loved ones. Toxic positivity further creates barriers in our ability to hold ourselves accountable. Accountability requires us to face the difficult reality of knowing that we have caused harm, even if unintentionally.
Toxic positivity also limits our community engagement. Meaningfully serving the community requires us to bear witness to injustice and inequality so that we can know where our service is most needed. When this is avoided, we may project our feelings of helplessness and shame onto people with less privilege by blaming them for circumstances that they have little control over.
True self-knowledge, intimacy, and community engagement require compassionately witnessing difficult emotions without identifying with them. Wellbeing lies in the ability to trust in the wisdom that can arise from this witnessing while staying connected to hope.
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