What Happens When We Label People as Toxic?

Labeling people as toxic, rather than their behaviors and the societal narratives they internalize, does more individual and collective harm than good.

As a therapist who has worked with people who have been in toxic and abusive relationships, I feel hopeful when I see more awareness about healthy relationships. But I’m concerned about how this has come with uncritically spreading limited ideas of what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like.

Anyone who follows psychology-related content on social media or reads self-help books has likely seen lists of what qualities make a person “toxic.” While I appreciate the intention to empower and protect people through such lists, I worry about how they are presented without context and in a way that can end up encompassing anyone. Even psychologists don’t use a checkbox to diagnose a person.

Labeling people as “toxic” gives them an easy way out of accountability. When something is seen as “intrinsic” to a person, it’s assumed to be unchangeable. One may thus make the excuse: “It’s me; I can’t help it, so deal with it!” Others may minimize the harm by saying: “How can this person possibly hurt you when they are good people?” Or the person who caused harm may refuse to hold themselves accountable out of shame. It is the responsibility of the person who caused harm—no one else—to work on their shame. Accountability becomes possible when one separates one’s self-worth from one’s actions. Even if we believe that people can change what is “intrinsic” to them, seeing ourselves as “good” and the other as “bad” can blind us from seeing how we may contribute to problems in a relationship.

I worry about how cutting off said “toxic” person is presented as the first step in all cases. I have noticed many millennials in my office struggle to have difficult conversations and to name and affirm boundaries rather than assume that they should be “obvious.” One exception I would make here is with outright abuse, as dialogue cannot happen without safety being present, so cutting off the person may sometimes be the only solution.

Even more concerning is how those who are perceived to have “negative energy” are “toxic” for merely having said energy. Almost every one of my clients dealing with either depression or anxiety, struggles with reaching out to others out of fear of “spreading negative energy.” Therefore, such messages only contribute to the isolation of people struggling with mental health, who more now than ever, need whole communities to support them rather than to be left on their own or to have only one loved one to be their sole supporter who may eventually burn out.

Regardless of the presence of a mental health disorder, abuse and toxic behavior should never be accepted. The personal and societal context that contributed to the person’s actions should never be used to ignore the harm caused, regardless of other qualities you appreciate about the person. But instead of labeling the totality of the person as “toxic,” ask yourself the following:

• Am I feeling safe in this relationship?
• What specific behaviors, from either side, are harming the relationship?
• Is the person willing to learn about the harm they have caused without deflecting?
• Is the person willing to discuss boundaries needed to keep the relationship healthy and make genuine attempts to follow through?