Everyone is an “Imposter”

We all become “imposters” if we over-attach our identity to a rigid understanding of ourselves, so expanding our sense of self can help us feel less like “imposters.”

Most of us would describe our whole “self” or other people’s whole “selves” through a specific quality. For example, we may say words like: “You’re so compassionate” or “I’m good at my job.” These may sound like positive things to say to someone else or yourself, but they both share a hidden trap that can potentially come in the way of our confidence, our relationships, and our growth.

Attaching our identity to fixed labels can risk us feeling like “imposters” when we do not act in ways that are in line with such labels. No human can at all times realistically fit all the expectations of what it means to be a “good” family member, worker, student, or person. When an institution or community has rigid ideas of how you are supposed to be, you cannot escape being an “imposter” in such settings.

Let us imagine if that person you had described as compassionate does not pay attention to the fact that you are hurting. At best, you may see this as an exception to them usually being “so compassionate” and are able to let it go. But, if you are not in your best headspace, there is a risk that you may instead feel disappointed and more hurt because the way you labeled this person has set an unstated expectation that they may not always be able to meet for you. This is more so the case if you have a “fixed” idea of identity which views things in terms of “either/or” (“As a compassionate person, you should have known better! Maybe you are not so compassionate after all!”) instead of “both/and” (“You are still a compassionate person even when you sometimes make mistakes.”).

Suppose you have a day when your performance at work dips to the point that it has your employer lose a lot of customers. This, too, could be seen as an exception. But given the grave consequences this exception had, how would it affect how you view yourself, especially when you are not in your best headspace and if you have not heard of other colleagues making similar slips before?

Another trap exists when we describe ourselves or others harshly. For example, does describing yourself as “a slob” acknowledge the times when you were able to get things done for yourself or for loved ones? If you see those times as mere “exceptions” to you “being a slob,” you may feel that you need to exert more effort to work on being less of a “slob,” but you may end up exhausting yourself further, which would worsen the laziness in the long term. Or you may hold the belief that this is your “nature” that cannot be changed, so you won’t invest in your growth.

What is an alternative to attaching our identity to a fixed label? It is seeing ourselves as being in a relationship with different qualities, skills, hopes, and experiences. This allows room for growth, especially when we fall back from what we hope for ourselves.

This perspective invites reflective questions such as: “What made it possible for me to be more intimate with competence today? How can I continue nourishing this relationship with competence?” or “What distanced me from competence today and what can I do to become more intimate with it again?” Aside from asking yourself these types of questions, consider what groups of people you find yourself feeling like you are an imposter with them. Do such groups attach people’s identities with fixed labels, whether directly or indirectly? From such reflections, we can find what contributed to where we are at and see what concrete actions we can take in the present moment instead of dwelling on how we are falling short from everyone else.